i permit you to call me
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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