He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
