Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
