You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
