so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
