He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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