Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
