Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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