When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize