fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
