Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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