clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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