OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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