He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
