so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
