...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
