Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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