she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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