Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
