I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
