I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i think im in europe. pls send help
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
