I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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