Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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