ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
