There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
