At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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