yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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