Just fell off a train. Bad.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize