this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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