He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
