do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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