just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
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