sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My liver just had a heart attack.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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