It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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