I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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