and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
