Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize