I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
