apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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