Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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