That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
