Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
