headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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