He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
