his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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