DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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