Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
