I wish I could punch you in the face.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
