$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
