The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
