So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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