guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I faked an abortion last night.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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