I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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