It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
