she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
