Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
