Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
