Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
