my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize