Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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