You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
