All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
