and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
