I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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