first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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