guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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