Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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