He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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