there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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