hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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