You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
