I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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