My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
