mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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